From Beloved Members to Publicly Shamed: GCC Tried to Tear Our Family Apart

It is no fun sitting here writing this, but I hope in some way it will help. In 2017, I felt so alone, so abandoned, so confused, so angry. So many close friends watched our family get torn apart. Watched my husband Dave get publicly disgraced. And the majority of them did nothing. I'm so thankful for all the years of those who did do something, who were and are strong enough to speak the truth. Finally, our voices are coming together in strength, in hopes of stopping the hurt. 

Our family needed to move to Birmingham, AL, for a job opportunity. Because Dave had an employee who also attended GCC, we were unable to speak freely at church about his job change. Laurelyn's graduation banquet from Heart of Virtue (HOV) was Saturday, April 29, 2017, and this is when we were able let people know we were moving. We expected our church family to support us and encourage us during this very hard time, as we didn't want to go and were very sad. At the HOV banquet, we were told that we should have asked the elders before making a decision like this. Chris told me personally at this banquet that there are no churches in Birmingham. There is one in Mobile, but no churches in Birmingham. I left what should have been a sweet time celebrating my daughter's hard work, extremely confused and completely blindsided by Chris' harsh response. 

The next day, Sunday April 30, we sat in the service and the preaching was aimed directly at us. There was no one else moving away, so any claim that the preaching wasn't aimed at us is ridiculous. It was preached that a believing husband would not move his family to a city with no church. I forgot exactly what was said, but I became very angry and begged my husband to get up and leave. He was in shock and sat rigid. My older two kids, both graduating from high school this same month, also knew it was our family being preached about. They were very shaken up and bewildered. As of today, the audio is still available in the sermon archives on the GCC website, and the video is available here on YouTube.

The next day, Monday, my oldest son came to my room early in the morning, crying. He asked me if his dad was making a mistake, and if his dad was an "unbeliever" like Chris strongly implied from the pulpit. I sat with him and went over scripture with him trying to show him that his dad was the head of our home, not Chris. I told our son about the years of praying we had done going into this decision, and let him know about all of the people we had talked to for wisdom before this move. This fear and doubt that Chris planted in my children’s minds about their father’s salvation hit them hard. They were so confused about who to believe. They had deep trust for both their church leaders and their parents.

That same day, the lead elder’s wife called me. She told me it would be better for Dave to stay and work at Walmart than to move his family away from the church. When I told her we were definitely moving to take the new job, she informed me that it would be better for me to stay in Maryville with the children and remain with the church, and let my husband go to Birmingham alone. Then perhaps he would fail and come back to Maryville. She told me how taking my kids to a city with no church was wrong, and that we needed to discuss this with the elders before making any decision like this.  I was completely shocked. I let her know, from Scripture, how wrong she was. I would follow my husband and support him, as I knew that we were following God's will for our family. My kids overheard this extremely tense conversation and were once again shocked and traumatized. Never had we thought we would have to battle with people who were so close to us. 

Another elder called me the next day and warned me not to tell anyone about that call from the lead elder’s wife. I tried arguing my points with him, but he never budged. He also stated that there are no churches in Birmingham, that Dave should have talked to the elders before making this decision, and that we were making a wrong decision. This, as well as all the rest, should have been said to my husband Dave instead of to me. It was so wrong for him to call me and try to manipulate and control our family through me, rather than confronting the man they were accusing of such wrongdoing. Then on Wednesday evening, Chris spoke to the youth. My older two texted us that Chris was preaching "about dad again.” 

At some point that week, late one evening, the other elder came to our home. I had talked to his wife earlier in the day about how wrong Chris was, how this was pure evil, and how I felt our family was intentionally being torn apart. I told her how Chris and the elders needed to get on their knees in repentance, and how thankful I was that we hadn’t gone to this team of elders for wisdom. She must have told her husband because he came right over. This was the only time any elder ever talked to Dave about it. Chris had talked to me at the HOV banquet, and the other elder had called me after my talk with the lead elder’s wife, but at no other time did anyone make any effort to speak to Dave personally. The rest was through gossip or preaching from the pulpit. We sat with that elder for hours and argued. Dave and I asked for the biblical reasons for the elder's positions and responses. We asked for information to back up the claim that we were taking our family to a city with no church. I even asked, "If there is no church in Birmingham, shouldn't they send someone there to start one?" He had no answers. He only stated that we should have asked the elders first, and that there was no church where we were going, so we were wrong to leave. Finally, the elder left our home. There was no resolution. Once again, my kids overheard the tense conversation. Without us knowing, they sat on the stairs to listen. Once again, they were beyond traumatized. My kids trusted their church and those they considered to be spiritual leaders. I found my kids questioning whether they should stay with GCC, and let their parents leave and make this horrible mistake. The elders were trying to divide my family.

A good friend went golfing with Elder 2. Our friend’s wife let us know that the Elder 2 said we were making a mistake and that there are no churches in Birmingham. Another close friend couldn't believe what was being said, so he asked Chris about it. Chris told him the same thing, that there are no churches in Birmingham, and that we were making a mistake. I traveled to England on the GCC Reformation trip, and another elder’s wife told me it was the church elder's job to take our family's "hand" and place it into the next church's "hand." It simply was not our decision to make. I would love to know what she thinks is the biblical basis for that statement. I asked the pastor in England (or Germany?) who was hosting us what his thoughts were on our move. He was bewildered and quickly listed out great churches he knew of in Birmingham. 

Elder 2 had discipled my oldest son for at least a year. But after this, he "ghosted" my son, like they had never had a relationship. Dianna, our child with special needs, was very close to Elder 2’s wife. The woman never said goodbye. Dianna was utterly confused and broken at the sudden loss of what we all held as so dear. Nine years later, Dianna still asks about those people. We did life daily, over several years, with this church. We lost so many relationships overnight, and the grieving over how all this happened so suddenly and without purpose has been one of the most devastating things in my life.

It seems like it will take a lifetime to recover. I am just now able to read from the Apostle Paul's teaching and not see myself and my family as the "unbeliever" the Bible so harshly rebukes. The first time I walked into The Church at Brook Hills, I had a panic attack. When I saw a man with an elder name badge, I spiraled down and had to run out of the building. After all that had happened, I saw elders as people who attacked without reason, and who came to me with their issues against us, rather than to my husband.  But this elder was so kind. He followed Dave and me out to the parking lot, me a sobbing mess, and kindly took us under his wing. We began our healing under his care. His name is Jay Gordon. For the record, Birmingham has many very strong churches. We are members of The Church at Brook Hills, who have and are helping us heal from this abuse. Briarwood Church has also been a very strong instrument in our healing. If the GCC elders are reading this, please look those churches up and see how crazy wrong you were.

I am hurt at how a church that we poured our lives, our time, our love, and our financial giving into, turned on my husband so quickly. Chris demeaned Dave publicly, implying that he was an unbeliever solely because of Dave's need to provide for his family. We had to make a very hard move without the support of our church family that we needed. Chris sent an email to me shortly before we moved, saying this: "What I have always stated, to anyone who has asked, is that finding a strong local church is a matter of first importance before moving anywhere. This is in no way meant to condemn you guys or anyone, but I believe it is the best, most biblically sound advice that I can give. I am grieved that you guys feel attacked by me and stand ready to do anything else that is possible to try to alleviate what appears to be a large gulf between us." My response: “Thanks for your note, we apologize for being ultra-sensitive, I'm sure to a fault. We love our church, you all are very dear to us.” His email did not in any way reflect his actions towards us and our family. Once again, the email communication was sent to me, not to Dave. His words may sound logical, but they do not at all match the actions taken against us. You can see me cower from fear in my response and not have the courage or strength to prolong the battle.

Chris said, “What I have always stated, to anyone who has asked…” The thing is, we did not ask for his advice. Even so, he inserted himself into our marriage and our family, and had others do the same, without our consent. A strong local church is a good thing. It’s something we wanted and it’s something we looked for and found. It was not his place to employ others to try to persuade us that we were sinning by choosing to leave his church. There is no biblical mandate for us to consult an elder before making a family decision, and no Scriptural requirement to abide by his personal wishes.

I am embarrassed and humbled by how my own sinful pride drew me to GCC, a church that, week after week, preached down on all other churches, and how prideful it felt to be at "The Church" that knew so much more than any other. We had been convinced that GCC held such spiritual superiority. I saw the rest of the world around me as less than myself. Unbelievers were lesser people that I looked down upon and didn't want to associate with. I questioned EVERYONE’S salvation. It is our own fault, through our own pride, that we ended up at a place so wrong. I am so thankful that we are all out of there now, and that my older two kids moved with us and chose not to stay at that church. I can’t imagine the further damage that staying there would have caused them.

Some elders saw how our family was treated and knew that it was wrong, but they stood aside, watching and silent. The pain from those who watch abuse and do nothing is nearly as devastating as the original harm. A few friends stood up for us and fought for the truth, and we are so grateful for them. We watched them get slaughtered by the same elders who attacked our family.

We were told over and over to keep quiet because it is a sin to gossip. I knew right away that we were being abused. But, for us not to speak against it was wrong. For a very long time, I have been too traumatized and too afraid to speak out publicly. But I was reading Proverbs 31: 8-9 recently, and it convicted me of my need to tell the truth about what happened. “Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.” I must speak the truth. The pain is real and raw. May what was meant for evil against me be made into something good.

Very Respectfully,

Tara Dovenbarger for the Dovenbarger family